NC (voiceover): So Axel tries to win Barb over, but finds she’s one stubborn female who’s gonna tough it all out
Willis: Listen, Barbara Kopetski, we can play this “cat and mouse” game all night long, but I have more important things on my mind.
NC (voiceover): A fascist government is looking for a scientist and spouse working for a resistance who take shelter in a bar under management by the spouse’s ex-lover and a corrupted cop?
NC (voiceover): We then cut to this rather unnecessary moment where some drunk guy tries to get into the club during the day.
Colonel Pryzer: If Cora D. escapes…I will personally rip your heart out of your ass…and stuff it back down your throat.
NC: (as Colonel Pryzer) Right after I rip your lungs from your ears and shove them back in through your nose!
NC (voiceover): So it turns out Cora D. enters at the exact same time the colonel does, but that doesn’t get Barb’s attention.
NC (voiceover): I mean…WOW! There’s, like, no difference! The plot is literally just “Casablanca”! Why? Why rip off “Casablana”? Did you really think that nobody would notice? Did you think that arguably the most famous romance film of all time was so low on the radar that no one would make the CONNECTION?
Humphrey Bogart (imitated by NC): Of all the film flubs in all of cinema in all the world, she had to rip off mine. Cock-sucking bitch.
NC (voiceover): So…OK, returning to “Casablanca 2: Here’s Looking at You, Slut,” we see Axel talk with Charlie before he confronts Barb.
NC (voiceover): So Barb turns them away, but Charlie leads them to the center of the resistance, led by a woman named Spike.
Spike: (talks with a robotic voice) No. The Congressionals are still looking for Krebs; we know that’s for sure. Willis and the local cops don’t know squat, either.
NC: (as Spike, placing a finger against his throat and speaking robotically) One too many Winston cigarettes. The Flintstones lied to me! (shakes his fist in the air)
NC (voiceover): Meanwhile, the colonel and gang continue their search as they burst into a male-bonding service to get some answers.
NC (voiceover): So they read the minds of one of the dead men-however the hell that works-as they believe the answer may lie in Barb Wire’s club. Meanwhile, we cut to Barb as she-(Barb sits in her bathtub filled with soap suds and aims a gun at Axel before getting out and hold her aim at him) Alright, you know what this is? This is “Centerfold: The Movie.” You can take every other dog dating sites scene in this film and put it on an issue of “Hustler”!
NC: (as Axel, pretending to kiss Barb and shoo Cora D. away) Oh, not now, honey. (continues his “kissing” until he realizes something and stops) HONEY! HI! Umm…I was just making sure her mouth wasn’t bugged! (He chuckles nervously)
NC (voiceover): But they’re again interrupted by the colonel and his crew. I think this guy’s only job is to walk into buildings dramatically.
NC: (as one of the soldiers, laughs) Hey, Boss. You know what would be really funny? If they were the people we were looking for. You know, like, the ONE time our scanner machine doesn’t work, and…it was the time we actually found them! And we just let them go! (laughs) We would look SO stupid! (laughs again) But that’d be ridiculous.
Charlie: Like these? (He holds up a vial containing the lenses; Zelda discovery music sting is heard here) We can give them to Axel and help them escape.